Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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