Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
