I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
