i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
