The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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