i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
