dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
