last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
