Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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