i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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