i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
