Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
