Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
