Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
