I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
