You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
