Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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