I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
