she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
