Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
