Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
