someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The convent might be a nice break from real life
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
