i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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