There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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