I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
