I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you had me at cake vodka
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
