So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
