I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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