rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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