I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
