The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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