my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
