If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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