Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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