I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
