We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
