So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
