At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
