Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
