I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
