Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You are a genius and a whore.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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