Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
