I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
