There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
