my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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