you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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