dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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