I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
