I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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