u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
