I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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