Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
